Look, I might offend...

some folk here, but it has been a family joke for years...

hold tight...

hostess trolleys!

It started when my son and his wife and children went over to her parents for Sunday lunch.  The hostess trolley would ceremoniously be rolled out groaning with twenty six different veg(slight exaggeration) the joint, roasties and Yorkshire pud’s.

The fact that there was barely enough space in the dining room for them let alone the flaming trolley was completely overlooked. My son who had the honour of sitting next to it, had to wait until last as he  served the rest of the family.

All the contents were at least hot-ish, if not a tad over cooked by then!

Unbeknown to them, unkindly we got a lot of mileage out of this apparatus of yesteryear.  So much so that when they divorced it seemed only natural to enquire as to who had custody of the flaming trolley?

All of this came into my mind when I emailed my son to say we were self isolating and I had to chain the husband’s leg to the drinks cabinet to prevent him from going out to shop!

Drinks cabinet?

Hostess trolley?

You see the link?

I then went on to say after this lock down is lifted I plan on reverting back to my ‘invite the world and his wife to dine’ persona that I once had! For this very reason the first thing on my shopping list will be... yes, you’ve guessed it... a

hostess trolley.

They will read my missive and come to the conclusion she’s been off her trolley for years so I suppose now is the right time to get a new one!?!

‘Mirror, mirror...

on the wall which foot has the ugliest corn of them all?’

I have been set on a mission by my lovely 95 year old ‘Mum’ Audrey.

The other day, she said in passing that she had broken her mirror which she needed to see the bottom of her feet!

‘Oh dear that means seven years bad luck, that will make you 102 before your luck turns!’ I said.

She laughed as she with all her health worries isn’t going to let the common old Covid get her!

I need a new magnifying mirror to see the bottom of my feet (she’s diabetic) and to see the blisters  that keep bursting in the paper- thin skin of her legs.

Now I’m nothing if not dynamical when it comes to getting on the case of real need for a very vulnerable person.  I found what I thought would be ideal and got it sent pronto.  All good as she was amazed at the speed of its arrival.  Next day, I got a rocket!  Where is the invoice? I plaintively replied this is our Easter present, as we haven’t been able to get out and get you one.  She wasn’t having any of it!  Added to which it wasn’t at all suitable?  I then located just the identical one from John Lewis I had, and duly got that ordered.  I then sent the copy of what was coming together with the order confirmation showing the price.

I sat back thinking she can’t find fault with this as it is just what she was looking for!?!  Two emails came in quick succession to say stop the order.  She would wait 

until the hardware shop reopened and she could choose her own!  You really have to admire her style for thinking she would be still alive when the blooming hardware shop sprung into life again!

I did try to cancel the order but time had gone between me placing the order and trying to cancel it.

She was going to faceTime me last night, I had my mirror to hand to show her exactly what was due to arrive.  Audrey emailed to say as she had been far too busy yesterday she was tired and didn’t have the energy to talk.   

Then I got a video about laughing yoga, which she found highly amusing and so did I.

My love but most of all my admiration for her knows no bounds... 

What a woman!

I still haven’t told her the mirror is on its way and another rocket will be fired off at me... Am I bothered?

Not a bit!

Taken a few years ago now... 

‘Houston we have a...

problem!’

On the Boris approved walk of the day, all was going fine until we got to the dreaded lactic ladder and Ellie once again shot off.

As me keeping out of sight seemed to work the first time it 
happened, we decided to give it another go, only this time both hide.

Ellie it would appear is far more intelligent than both of us Mensa grand masters... that last bit is a stonking great fib!

We hid where we thought she couldn’t see us, a cunning plan some might think  trouble was after fifteen frustrating minutes we emerged to find her in a totally different vantage point where see could plainly see us.

Ellie - 1

Us - 0

We had decided we would walk back along the bread walk.  We both saw her immediately and pretended we hadn’t... like you do!?!

Eventually she came down from on high to join us.  I went to clip her on the lead, she half decided not to play ball, then thought best I go along with what they want? We then turned for home, both of us feeling fairly fed up with her and I ought to say... ourselves!

The thing is all this keeping as far away from folk as we can has fed her fear, and now she seems frightened of every approaching person taking avoiding action.  Added to which in the mix she has discovered that she has control!  The walk in the woods is always now busy with lots of people following the prescribed one hour exercise.  Today we are going to go to the forest and see how this goes?  The forest walk is a five minute drive from here and you see  nobody to speak of, probably even less now.  We are between a rock and a hard place.  Any suggestions about how to discourage Ellie getting the upper paw would be gratefully received?

‘Throw it against the...

wall and see if it sticks!’

This heading on Joanne’s blog... ‘Cup on the Bus’ of a few days ago reminded me of a post for my blog.

Those were more or less the words I used...

‘Roll it up in a ball throw it on the wall and it WILL stick!’

My words reverberated across the air waves of our local radio station... ‘Radio York’.

Through the glass as I was finishing my weekly food round up I saw the producer indicating that  I should join him.  Naively I thought the slot had gone down well!  How flaming wrong can you be?  As I walked into the adjoining studio he laid into me.

‘It isn’t your job that is on the line here... it’s mine!  There are folk that cruise the airwaves laying in wait for libellous statements and that is what you have just made!’

My mouth opened and closed a few times, for once lost for words!?!

Feebly I said ‘Well it’s true!’  I was referring to sliced white bread which I had called gunge, made by a well known manufacturer!

The rest of the piece had been fine, alright my avant garde take on food however...

The funny thing was I was never asked to do that particular slot again?  A few days later I met his wife who was full of praise of my contribution saying how refreshing it was to hear someone speaking their mind!  Hopefully she said the same to her old man?

At Radio York I also did a weekly cooking slot on the radio... more tales of that some other time.

‘Cooking on the radio?  That confirms it... the woman is crackers!

A walk on the...

wild side in the woods.  Our hour’s exercise is now the same one every day.  Over Dinham Bridge and up the lactic ladder into the woods, back along the bread walk by the River Teme and home.  Well that is the tried and tested route until Friday, when Ellie had other ideas!  I was staying in as we were expecting a delivery from the butchers.  At the end of the bread walk, Ellie decided she wasn’t quite ready for home and shot up the lactic ladder for another circuit... ‘Look here I’m a young collie and need certainly more than a one hour trundle around the woods!’

Himself stood at the bottom and waited using the whistle a couple of times.  She stood at the top not having any of it! 

Eventually he told her to sit and wait and she did, he then when up to her put her on the lead and home they came.

With my matronly bosom heaving in indignation at the sheer effrontery of the hound.

Unspoken words echoed through my battleaxe brain... ‘Well she certainly wouldn’t have tried it on with me!’

Yesterday off we went, same route,  and yes you can probably see where this is going...

She did the exact same thing!

We sat on a seat, not permitted, but hey!?!  I whistled a couple of times, no joy I could see her high up on the cliff type edge of the woods.  I turned my back to her and waited.  I turned just too soon, as she was halfway down the steps, as soon as she saw me look, back up she went!

Little bugger!

Next I sat on the ground, back towards her... no joy.  All the while Ted sat on the seat, this went on for fifteen flaming minutes!

I then had the bright idea to walk right under the cliff, completely out of sight.  Within seconds, she came haring down, straight past Ted on the bench, swerving as she saw me stood back from him.  She rushed up to me looking relieved, I quietly said ‘Good girl!’ and home we came!

In one way I am glad she is finding her feet, in another I am sad that she isn’t getting enough exercise!

Butter wouldn’t melt in its mouth type of dawg!

‘Have a lie in!’

I said.  

Surprisingly this morning he has agreed, this in itself is maybe a pointer to him feeling not as well as he claims?

I am sure Ted has this bloody awful virus.

He insists it’s just the return of the cold!  It has been going on too long now!

Friday morning I was up at four making us lemon and honey.

The cough was troubling him again early this morning.

We have been not going anywhere for weeks now just walking the dog in the woods.

Early on in all of this he insisted he would go up to the shop late evening when it was quiet, which he did.  I am the usual cavalier one in the relationship, he is Mr Sensible, the roles have been strangely reversed?

When he tried the same trick last weekend I was having none of it!

‘Look, if you’re not worried about yourself think about other innocent people!’

Boom!... have some of that I thought!  Even though I say it myself, I have a way with words!?!

Anyway it hit home.

I think more than anything it’s the not knowing?

For the life of...

 me I can’t remember who actually gave me this...

I think it was my friend Julia.  Who I worked with lots of years ago in an employment agency.  She was a full-on sort of a woman, not full-on in a Kama Sutra sort of a way but she made complaining an art form.  Truth in her tales didn’t figure largely.

As she sat opposite the door to the office, she had first sight of whoever came in.  This way channelling the odd balls and downbeats my way.  She would pick up the phone making an ‘important’ call if she didn’t like the cut of their jib!  Me, well I was there to find people a job so I moved heaven and earth to get them a suitable placement.  As a consequence I got quite a following of folk who until I hit town had not been shown the due respect they thought they deserved.  One girl I remember so well, a rather large lassie, who prior to coming out to look for a job had obviously showered and liberally talcum powdered all the important bits.  Whether it was to prevent the chaffing of thighs we’ll never know? She certainly left an indelible impression on us, as the plastic seat she sat on carried a perfect powdered 
impression of her bum.  Try as we might with soap and water it never came off... why?  Who knows?  Maybe the oil from her body?  It  was my job to find everyone of them a job!  It wasn’t always easy.  Now I am not making myself to be a paragon of virtue, far from it.  As the door closed I would do three laps of the ceiling  complaining that once again I was set up.  Julia would laugh and on we would go.

On one occasion she came to stay with me in York, she had a young Spanish bloke in tow who she was quite taken with.  On our day trip to Whitby as I drove us past the Fylingdales military radar tracking station she turned in the passenger seat to ‘Jose’ and told him some cock and bull story about the tennis ball domes on the skyline.  His English wasn’t that good so some I suppose, got lost in the translation!?!

Under my breath I said

‘Why an earth did you tell him that  load of old bull?’

She laughed saying

‘He would have enjoyed my story much better than the truth!’
I couldn’t argue with that, as I certainly had!

She was incorrigible!

I couldn’t help but like her.

Sadly she died many years ago.

I am sure it was just the sort of book Julia would have given me.

One of my favourite expressions..

‘a fit with my leg in the air!’

One of many I ought to say.

However to match my wacky way of looking at the world I now have a table of the same persuasion...

This was one leg after himself battled all morning with our new garden table.

This is the solution, far from ideal however it did pass most of a day while we got to grips with the Chinese flat pack.

You will see his Heath Robinson answer to the problem, back left leg...

The top is bowed, so the next thing is will the glass stand the strain?

Ooh.. the excitements of

lock down.

Life according to...

Ellie...

Something strange is happening and I can’t exactly put my paw on it?

Instead of us all piling in the car and going to different places, we don’t do that now!  Although I hated the journey in the car, the anxiety of it made me dribble and once I was sick.  I miss it!

We used to go out mid morning or after lunch, for a long walk, then if I was very good I could play in the college field late afternoon. Now we play in the garden all day, and I only get taken out once in the late afternoon.  That wouldn’t be too bad but we do the same walk every day.  And another thing, mum and dad avoid people, so much so  when we walk along the river where the path isn’t very wide I go and sit behind each bench waiting for them to pass, a trick I taught myself!  Mum  reads the inscription on some and goes... ‘Aah!’ ever so sadly, which makes me feel fearful.  And at the best of times I can still get worried about stuff.  It never worries me when she says

‘Bloody dog!’ 

when I have been naughty because even though my take on this funny language they speak isn’t that good I can understand when I am really in trouble, which I ought to say isn’t that often!  If I had a Bonio for every time they say how intelligent I am I would be a very rich mutt.

I feel really...

odd, that way out type of thing!
Coming in from our regulation one hour walk, I sat down under a pall of heaviness.  Not at all like the glass half full glass sort of broad I usually am!  Larger than life and twice as ‘orrible type of thing!
This morning after a slow start (why not? No bus to catch!?!) we have worked in the garden, me in the greenhouse, himself sorting out my idea for a water feature attached to the down pipe.  The sink has stood unloved for far too long.

When life is resumed I will buy a tiny water lily and make a frog hot tub.  It only remains for me to put a sign out directing frogs to hop this way.
A couple of emails and a letter to the ‘boys’ in the Highlands, the day was going well not exactly fine but okay.
Suddenly getting home I felt heavy of heart.  I certainly don’t deserve to be, telling myself this doesn’t actually help though!

Maybe it was stumbling on this photograph taken a few years ago now and looking in the mirror and seeing the ageing old crone looking back?
I think the trouble in a nutshell is I have too much time on my hands for navel gazing!

What a blooming madam!

You don’t really know...

yourself until...

you realise the inner strengths and skills you actually possess.

After years of honing to the enth degree my persona of dizziness, utter disregard of the word sensible I have to my horror discovered a diamond hard vein of capability!  

Sense and Sensibility eat your heart out!

Me... revolting!

Blooming worrying you must agree?  What will my family and friends make of this strange new creature that is emerging?  At least until I have had time to come to terms with it they will never know. For  now as per the ole Boris’ diktat we are keeping our powder dry and ourselves safe.  Let’s hope we all knuckle down and do as we are told for the greater good of all.

This ruling is feeding my inner recluse.  The heading to my blog says it all really.  The awful thing is the days are just drifting by.  I have a pile of books I really, really want to read, craft projects to do, seeds to sow in my new greenhouse, spring cleaning... NO... NEVER!

Cupboards to sort out, decorating even!?!  The awful thing is I am just so busy doing sweet nothing... how does that work?

Anyway I can’t sit around here chatting to you guys...
sloth calls.
Toodle-pip!